asher_talos | [For Ray]

[For Ray]

When he wasn't possessed by the Island into thinking he was in love or being kidnapped, Asher had forgotten that being out on the boat could actually be pretty nice.

He wasn't sure where Ray was at that point, whether he was still out on the deck, the indoor sitting area, or even if he had gone overboard for that matter, though he was sure he would have heard the yelling from the bedroom if that last one were the case.

He was lying back on the foot of the bed, legs hanging over the edge and staring up through the porthole on the ceiling. He was also smoking, something he only did on the rare occasion now, having mostly broken the habit since the twins were born. Ray probably wouldn't appreciate it, which was why he hadn't simply lit up right in front of him.

After loosening his tie, Asher tucked his free hand behind his head. He wasn't sure if the peace even had half a chance of lasting the duration of their entire getaway, but he'd enjoy it for as long as it did.

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Asher knew Ray well enough to know that was probably difficult for him to say. Had it been another subject matter, he'd push. He wouldn't do it now, though, but he knew that he wanted to, and he knew it would eat at him until he had his answer.

What Asher still wasn't sure about was if that was the cop in him, or if it was just Ray.

"During childbirth," he said, after a quiet moment. He wasn't going to go into anymore detail than that, not that he thought Ray would need it in order to put together a full picture.

Any gasp wanting to escape this time was internalized before it had a chance. Asher was quiet, so Ray took his lead from him, lowering his chin back down to Asher's chest.

Ray couldn't even begin imagining it. Having a pregnant wife, beautiful, no doubt, and about to start a family, then having both snatched away at the last second. There was no way Asher would let him assume the child had died too if it hadn't.

Apologizing wouldn't help and making any kind of observation about how hard it must have been would seem douchey. Ray didn't think Asher even wanted him to comment about it.

In the end, he stopped trying so hard to think of what to say and just let out a small huff of hot air.

"...that was fun," Asher said, after a too long span of silence. "For the next game, let's just kick each other in the nuts."

If would have been just as productive as the one they were locked into now, except maybe with a bit less pain involved.

Rolling off Asher and onto his side, Ray tucked his legs up, knees pressing against Asher's thigh. It was a self-comforting position, hands clasped into his chest.

"How's it all fit inside your head?" he asked, as if he hadn't heard what Asher had said. "I got moments in my life, my nearly thirty-nine year life, that sometimes play over and over. Haunt me, I guess. You've got an extra five hundred years of that. How d'you do it?"

"It's not like I have a choice of keeping them elsewhere." Even if he did have that choice - strange one though it would have been - he probably wouldn't have made anything any different.

"What other option do I really have? Or anyone for that matter? Knowing the answer to that? That's how."

"I'd have a permanent headache if I were you," Ray joked. He was quiet then, just for a moment, wondering whether he should ask one of the things he'd told himself he never would. It was the kind of question where he wouldn't know if the answer made a difference until he'd heard it, at which point it would be too late to un-hear it.

But since they were being honest...

"Have...you ever killed anyone?" He blinked a few times, gaze on the profile of Asher's face. "Aside from feeding."

"Not as a human," Asher replied, head falling to the side so he was looking at Ray, watching for shifts in his expression.

His expression didn't shift at all. He stared back, unable to quite comprehend the answer he'd been given. Until a few years ago, an answer like that couldn't have been taken seriously. Everyone was human in Ray's world, except for Fraser maybe, so that kind of response would never have been given in earnest. And yet here Asher was, not only providing it as a serious answer but one that should apparently make a difference to Ray's own reaction.

Much like Asher now considered himself different to the person he used to be when human, Ray had always assumed there was a difference between vampire Asher and the one currently looking at him. Perhaps that was naive of him, given that he didn't have anything to compare current Asher with, but it was what his gut told him and he always went with his hunches. So if Asher wasn't the same person now, then maybe his answer made sense.

The conclusion Ray came to was more alarming than Asher's reply. Ray was in love with Asher, wasn't he? All of him. That was what love was, right? But how could he be if there were two Ashers and he barely knew one of them? Did that mean he could only ever half love him?

He blinked. "Does that make a difference?"

"To you?" Asher asked, clearly annoyed by the question. "Obviously not if you have to ask. Which, really, kudos on the shitty timing, by the way."

He pushed himself up into a seated position, agitated, suddenly all too aware of what he'd shared and verging on regret.

"Good talk. Let's not do it again."

Ray rose as soon as Asher did, closing his eyes briefly and holding his breath to stop a sigh coming out.

"It does. It does make a difference to me. But I wanted to be sure it did to you too." Because surely that meant Asher thought he was different now. It meant Ray was with someone who wasn't bad and who didn't go against almost everything Ray believed in.

"My timing coulda been better, yeah." But he wasn't sorry he'd asked.

"And so you have. Congratulations." The distinct lack of murder victims popping up was pretty telling enough, Asher thought. Or should have been, anyway. But not for Ray, though. No. He had to hear it.

So much for actions (or inaction) speaking louder than words.

"Just drop it."

"Fine," Ray replied, the haste with which he said it suggesting it was given more for show than anything. If that wasn't enough, the quick shift from sitting on the mattress to sitting on Asher's legs should have given away that he wasn't done yet. Ray didn't want him leaving before he was.

"I find it hard to wrap my head around the idea that you were so different back home. I don't know anything about that life. Does that seem right to you?"

"Why do you need to wrap your head around it at all?" Asher asked.

"We're not back home, if you haven't noticed." They had to take a boat and drop anchor in the middle of the ocean to get away from a tropical island. Back in the normal world, people vacationed on tropical islands. He didn't, but normal ones did. If they weren't poor. "I don't see how it makes a difference either way what I was like there. We're here."

"Because I wanna know more about you, Asher." Ray had the feeling however he chose his words, they wouldn't come out like he wanted them to and the look on Asher's face would remain the same. "In case you haven't noticed, I kinda really like you and I wanna find out more. Is that so bad?"

"Potentially," Asher replied. He didn't expect his answer to make Ray feel any differently about it, however.

"What could you possibly want to know about my life before I got here?" There wasn't much he could think of that Ray probably wouldn't regret knowing once he did. "If it's the life before that that you're actually interested in, then it's not me you want to find out more about."

"Where do I start?" Ray quipped, shifting on Asher's legs into a more comfortable position for them both. There were centuries upon centuries of blanks to fill in. But now wasn't the time for twenty questions, not after what Asher had already shared. Maybe one more question was okay though.

Ray's demeanor shifted into something less intense and a little more playful. He fiddled idly with the end of Asher's tie, face dipped down. Then he flicked his eyes up with a mischievous smile. "What's immortality feel like?"

"It felt like the exact opposite of what mortality feels like." And mortality still most definitely sucked. His opinion on that hadn't changed since his arrival, nor did he expect it to change as long as he was stuck that way.

"And I wasn't actually asking you to come up with things you want to know."

"Don't tease me," Ray replied, tugging on the knot of Asher's tie to loosen it some more. "What's mortality feel like to you? Does it make you want to seize," he gave another tug, "the," tug, "moment?"

"...it doesn't turn me on, if that's what you're hoping for," he said, looking down at his tie. He was more concerned about its well being than what any of Ray's intentions might have been.

"I don't need mortality, or a tie, to do that," Ray insisted, finally pulling the two ends apart. In one smooth movement, he removed it from Asher's collar and with due care and attention, folded it in half and laid it on the mattress.

"Thank you for telling me." He didn't go into any more detail. It was obvious what he was talking about and he could confidently conclude it wasn't something Asher wanted to rehash. He was grateful though, but the feeling was tinged with guilt too, for not having shown the same honesty Asher had. He could share his story, tell him about Irene, Louis, Frankie, but it wasn't something he could just offer up. Today's conversation belonged to Asher and that was enough.

"For telling you that I've had impure thoughts about your best friend?" Asher asked, lightening up just a touch now that his tie was out of harms way. He knew that wasn't what Ray meant, but he wasn't going to acknowledge the other thing.

"You're welcome."

Ray laughed, pinching the end of his nose. "Ahh, yeah. I can't wait to see his face when I tell him. Should I pretend to be affronted? Jealous?"

"Whatever you think will unnerve him the most." Being that this was the Mountie they were talking about, that probably wouldn't have taken much.

That was Fraser's Halloween fright sorted out then.

"You'd make an excellent best friend," Ray pointed out wryly, taking a breath and resting his hands on Asher's shoulder. "So. ...I'm practically in your lap, we have complete privacy and we're full of caffeine... What d'you fancy doing?"

"You," Asher said casually, having no qualms at all about being so direct. If he'd been forward before they probably could have avoided the whole conversation that had just taken place. "Unless there's still a chance I taste funny or you want to pick the activity again."

As far as he was concerned, Ray was never, ever allowed to pick the activity again.

[For Ray]

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